The Pit

by Amanda

August 9, 2013. This relationship was painful, and I often wrote about the pain that came from it, because it was the only way I could express myself, the only way I could feel heard. The relationship ended in Feb 2016. I’m doing much better now!

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There’s a pit in my stomach. A sadness that snakes into my heart and ever so slowly coils tighter and tighter,  crushing it.

It’s overwhelming. The need for relief is paramount. There’s a beer bottle on the table. I can smash it and drag the jagged edge across my pale skin. The pain isn’t much fun, but it’s satisfying.

I want to scream while I smash it. I want to make myself heard. You can’t see the pain, but you can hear me scream.

I don’t know how else to express what this is doing to me. The negativity. The nit picking fights that leave me reeling, no clue as to what I’ve done wrong, or how I’ve become the bad guy.

Giving in to keep peace is exhausting. All I want is this love that is mine  some days, and fleeting on other days. I don’t know how to be enough, so I give in.

And then this happens.