Where Words Go

Things I write go here

Month: November, 2019

How to Not be With an Asshole

Years are lost to the tragic past of broken relationships I let be,

Where now I look back and question myself on how I let them treat me.

I’m not the same.

Confident, now, after a long time reflecting, my self worth means something.

Where before I felt I deserved the pain that came from selfish deception.

I tell myself, never again, especially as I look back at my painted pain in past writing.

I wonder at the now, beauty in my life, and how he shows me I’m worth something.

I’m lovable, kind, empathetic, and love fiercely.

My emotions run wild, they can carry me away, I feel intensely.

He can handle it, he can see me, and he can accept me.

I know better now, and can appreciate my experienced pain,

As it’s taught me how to live with me.

And how to not be with an asshole.

How not to let them try to change who I am.

How to let myself be loved for who I am,

And love, in return, someone that fits me.

The Pit

August 9, 2013. This relationship was painful, and I often wrote about the pain that came from it, because it was the only way I could express myself, the only way I could feel heard. The relationship ended in Feb 2016. I’m doing much better now!

***

There’s a pit in my stomach. A sadness that snakes into my heart and ever so slowly coils tighter and tighter,¬† crushing it.

It’s overwhelming. The need for relief is paramount. There’s a beer bottle on the table. I can smash it and drag the jagged edge across my pale skin. The pain isn’t much fun, but it’s satisfying.

I want to scream while I smash it. I want to make myself heard. You can’t see the pain, but you can hear me scream.

I don’t know how else to express what this is doing to me. The negativity. The nit picking fights that leave me reeling, no clue as to what I’ve done wrong, or how I’ve become the bad guy.

Giving in to keep peace is exhausting. All I want is this love that is mine¬† some days, and fleeting on other days. I don’t know how to be enough, so I give in.

And then this happens.