Where Words Go

Things I write go here

Month: February, 2013

The girl who could not stay in one place for too long

She started with a purpose. Finish high school, get a college degree, get the work that related to the degree she spent years studying for.

But things didn’t always go as planned, from day one. There was the crippling sadness that gripped at her from time to time. She experienced love and death at a young age, and carried both like a boulder on her back, wrestling against the knowledge that in the end, she would lose those she loved, or they would lose her. So why love at all?

She never felt at home for too long. She loved her family, and couldn’t imagine life without her friends, but something about that place was suffocating her, and she had to get out. She tried moving from town to town first. It worked for a little while, but ultimately, she was reminded of how alone she was away from those she loved the most.

She went back several times, only to leave again and again, seeking that place that felt like home.

Through all of the searching, through all of the jobs at restaurants, call centers, reception desks, she never tapped into what her ultimate goals were.

She never did get that job she wanted, because she didn’t understand it would be so hard when she first decided on education.

She always moved for those she loved, but never found someone who would want to move for her.

She gave to those she tried to be close to, until they had taken everything they needed from her and moved on, leaving her behind, a broken shell.

When she stopped feeling at home, she moved again. Sometimes going back to where she grew up, but ultimately, roaming from state to state with no real hope for herself other than she might feel happy for a while somewhere new.

It didn’t last. It never lasted. Years were wasted, but she didn’t see it as a waste. It was a journey. She met so many people, she tried to be their friends, and some tried to be hers. She loved, and she lost that love, but she tried not to forget it could come again.

It was hard, and she toiled to get by, never making enough to really do much with. Only enough to live.

Ultimately, she is the wanderer, going from place to place, heartbroken by the end, yet still determined to find something to latch onto.

She couldn’t learn to live for herself, not completely. But she did try. She tried very, very hard.

It took a while to realize in the end, all she really had was herself. She took pictures she didn’t share, she had stories she didn’t tell. She laughed and cried by herself.

She was sad, she was lonely, and she still couldn’t find a place to call home.

Goals were hard to keep when hopes were so low. The small things she still had were clutched onto tightly, and eventually, she hoped to toss her stories and thoughts out there, to those who might listen. And maybe pay her.

She holds on desperately to the hope that she won’t die still hoping for better things to come, even though they haven’t come all that often. And even when they had, had with consequences that were hard to handle.

Trials and …tribulations?

I like to read when I’m feeling a little hard up on motivation. It helps drive me. Sometimes I read a book and thing, wow, I could do so much better than this. If they can get published, I totally can too. And there are those I read that I think, woah, this is way over my head. But so fantastic, I could only hope to live up to this level of awesomeness.

I’m not feeling especially motivated lately, even though I’d like to get my first draft done within the next three months. I believe I could do it if I really, really push myself.

I’m pushing now, but not hard enough. This is a really good start for me, it’s good motivation, it’s keeping me going.

So for my novel update today, I looked through the beginning, which is the area I decided to dedicate myself to for a bit, so I could iron some things out and figure out what pieces I forgot to put in there.

I tend to have issues with saved word documents for some unknown reason. This happened to me today. I must remember to send all of this to myself in an email, just in case.

Edit: Because I keep thinking about this. I spent about an hour and a half to two hours dedicated to just about ten pages… who am I kidding. Nine pages. NINE. Ahem. I went through the very beginning, only to find where it breaks off into utter disaster. I went back and forth between two pages to merge them because they were the same, only different. I wrote the same thing but slightly different, and had them in different places.

Yeah, I need a break.

It was kinda fun though.

Organazation. Fun.

Sometimes I feel dumb for not thinking up organizational pieces much earlier on. I have a lot of notes within the document to extract, but for tonight, it’s looking through the beginning, piecing things where they belong, and making it a smooth transition. Hopefully.

Sad

Rushing today’s writing work a little bit, but I’ve merged two documents and am sad to find only two pages are ultimately added on.

 

Sad.

Ask me

There’s this ache, deep inside,

Where I hold all my ties to you.

I can’t lie, I can’t fight, I can only hold on to you.

 

It takes all my strength, but I’ll belong to you.

If you ask me to.

 

When you laugh, I soar

When you cry, I crumble.

I’m a wreck but I’m sure,

What I would do for you.

 

I will wait, I will hurt and I will hate for you.

I won’t lie, but I’ll keep it all in, for you.

 

It’s too much, how I feel, but I’d feel it all for you.

Just ask me to.

 

It doesn’t have to be me you choose.

Even though I Want you to.

Track Changes!

A lovely someone let me know that in my favorite program to write in, I can do something I didn’t know I can do. So I used track changes to compare two documents I have to go over.

My initial reaction, oh this is so so neat. I’m going to get lost in this.

Headache

Sometimes I don’t know what

You have in store for me.

 

My bureau is decorated with

With medicine bottle trophies,

Each a shout out to that which it conquers.

 

You ache in my shoulders and neck,

In temples, and sometimes you burden

One eye with pain.

Are you a sinus headache?

Or the crippling migraine?

My sight is a little fuzzy, perhaps an aura?

Woe, the bearer of pain,

You torment and tease,

If I do not take the right pill, you will

Never go away.

Kinda half assed tonight

My head is killing me, but I have to get some work done. It isn’t much, just a bit of touching up on explanations and some extending on a few things.

Orginization is hard

So I’m looking through all of this, and I’m just realizing, hey, I need to actually read through all of this and figure out what goes where.

 

Damn.

Jumble

The organization begins. What a mess.